hope when struggling

I just watched a video, and a lot of what I write comes from what Irwin McManus says. Its posted at the bottom.

You might think youre depressed/struggling because you don't have the life that you want. But I want you to know that if you don't learn how to deal with that now before you have success/what you want, you will not have the tools to deal with it when you have success.

Its totally BS to act like we don’t struggle. Hell, my past year has been a struggle. But its also been learningful, beautiful, deep and meaningful. And I am strong because I went through the fire. Im refined. Take opportunity of your struggle, and you will come out refined.

(for the record I am still in the fire. I always will be. But I always will be getting more refined J)

I love the truth that to become stronger, you need to be tested hard. The strongest iron is when it has been through the fire time and time, beaten (literally), and beaten again. Each time, it becomes stronger.

Do you know how your muscles grow? When you “lift” in the gym, you are quite literally hurting and tearing your muscles. You are pressuring them. Youre putting them through the fire. They come out stronger as a result. 

Success does not immune you from depression. Look at Robin Williams and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

My past year in Peace Corps has largely been one big struggle, to put it negatively. To put it positively, I have found consistent happiness and contentment in what I do. I feel fulfilled, purposeful (while struggling! :) Ive learned about how to try my best to be positive, when it sucked.

One day I decided to which I was going to give power and authority to positivity. Or rather, take authority and power, and focus on positivity.

Then sometimes you get to the mountaintop. But Lows almost always come after the highs.

What you can do if you’re struggling/depressed:

Rest. Without rest, when you're down, you just get more down.

Get some food: This journey is too hard without it. One of the best things you ever can do is say to someone, “do you want to get some food together?” Make it a point to never eat alone. (in fact, that’s the title of one of my favorite books: Never Eat Alone).

Get perspective. About what's really going on in your life. The way you do that is by getting it from other people, because when you're down you can't evaluate your life clearly. Let other people give you their wisdom. Let other people tell you how good your life is even if you don't want to hear it.

Get to positive people: You can't live life alone. If you're struggling, you need to be around optimistic people and hopeful. A huge part of healing is human contact and when you spend time around hopeful people, you become hopeful, too.

The reason why you can't see the good in the world is because you can't see the good in yourself. Then when you see it in your, you start seeing it in other people, and all around you.

Then it's time to get back on track. Start living a life of meaning. Not success, not money, not anything will fill that void except you living a meaningful, purposeful life.

Be careful of who you're talking to. Be careful about who's telling you about who you are and what life is about.



Don't let low moments tell you that's what it's gonna be like forever on.

You're created to fly.

I just got out of a year of toughness. Not depression. about 4 months ago I started this new thing in my life. Its called positivity. Ive always been fairly positive. But being positive most of the time doesnt mean shit when you are affronted with challenges. Youre tested. I found my way out because I chose to see the beauty in the things that I previously thought sucked. Because yes, there is beauty in everything. Its just about what you are going to focus on. 

My life comes from positivity. And faith in God who I know will always be with me.

There's a way through this.

I love the idea about being against the ropes. You fight, or you don't. That's helpful for someone like me, for 2 reasons. 1 is because of the black and white perspective I had for almost my whole life. It's one choice, or the other. The second reason is because I'm a competitor. And I love a challenge, and just the phrase alone "backed against the ropes" kinda gets my heart going. It's like... The impulse to… “let's do this.” It's like… “okay, Tom, time to muster the strength. It's time to move forward, because I'm as far as I can go back. There's only one way, and I'm gonna do it. I can do it.”

I didn't post for like a year here because who the hell wants to read depressing stuff. No one. But who wants to read the triumphant stuff? You know, the story where someone struggled and tried and failed and kept trying and failing, making little progresses, but continuing struggling and trying. But then they win. Everyone wants to read that.

But no one wants to read the story without the victory at the end.

The best story ever is one when while on that road of failing, failing, setback, little baby steps, struggling, depression… it’s when they know what they can do it, and that they are going to win.

Then they do.

The day I was clothes-lined while standing on top of a moving bus

The content of this website/blog are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the United States government or the Peace Corps.

Here's the roads that lead to the farm

I was just reading one of Tucker Max's books today, and I couldn't help but think how many times people had read about my antics from my Europe blog and said, "Tom, a lot of ridiculous things happen to you. You are kind of like Tucker Max, but a tamer version." (Aka, I have respect for human kind).

And then I was thinking, what the hell have I been doing not sharing my stories over the past year in Nicaragua with you guys?

I have my reasons, but as my high school football coach, Coach Ryan, used to say, "Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one, and they all stink."

Butttt since we all have an asshole, why don't I just give you my excuse? The truth is, I have been worried that if I post my stories, Peace Corps will see them and they might kick me out. But, after getting used to it here, and knowing I work my ass off, and do my job well, these stories are just the treasures that come along with such a fun ride. So it's almost obligatory I share them with you.



Let me tell you about the time I decided to play my new favorite game of riding on top of a moving bus, and how that almost led to me being decapitated.

It was Christmas Day, and I already live in a real mountainous rural town in Nicaragua, but to celebrate baby Jesus' birth, we decide to take a trip up further into the mountains to our family house "on the farm" to go kill and roast a pig. There are some people in my Nica family that really like to drink heavily out on the farm.

If you know nothing about Nicaragua, it has been the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere for the past decade, so when you told of rural farm houses, it's modest means. It's also beautiful, pristine land and wonderful, humble people.  But it explains this:

I kid you not, this one day, this one man brought with him what appears to be an old gas tank canister, a reeeaallll dirty one, and he announces "Tom, quiere un trago."

He was like, "Tom wants a shot." It wasn't a question, just a statement. But he is a jolly man and probably only wants me the best for me I think. So, I kind of gave him a suspect look (you know, the one where you kind of squint your eyes a little, purse your lips, and just look at the other person). I was obviously insinuating that I was intrigued, yet not saying yes, nor no. I wanted to see where it went. And what substance came of out the old gasoline canister.

And WOULD. YOU. BELIEVE IT. What came out of it was nothing shy than the most crystal-clear liquid I have ever seen in my life (well... besides water, which I see every day... and is just as crystal clear). But I'm sure you can imagine my relief, and utter astonishment at seeing something clean just come out of a canister that I would believe you if you told me it had been through a World War II skirmish and back (but heavily wounded).

So anyway, all the men are sitting around drinking soup and ripping shots of "kousoosa." Yea, that's the wrong spelling, but I've asked like 4 people how to spell it, and half of the letters are different than the spelling of the last person. Anyway, it's home-made liquor from corn, and everyone is getting hammered off of it.

I almost never drink since I joined the Peace Corps, which makes holidays and friendly gatherings dangerous because College Tom Ford wants to join in on the fun, and College Tom Ford keeps forgetting that after college, you drink less, and alcohol may or may not affect you way more than before.


I'll skip right to the bus: I get in, and I'm sitting next to a woman, and I'm like, "do you think they would allow me to ride on top of the bus?" She was just totally perplexed in general. I proceed to tell her I've always wanted to.

Now, this is a bus that is here in Nicaragua because the U.S. ships their buses here when they don't pass inspection, from what I'm told. Its hard to disagree because it has a hole in the floor the size of my foot, and I kid you not, one month ago the bus that does a mountain-route that I used to take in the morning to school, the brakes failed while going up a huge incline. (It was a Sunday, so I wasn't on it). To avoid crashing into a river at the bottom of the incline, the driver wisely (I'm serious) crashed the bus into the side of the mountain, and all 32 people went to the hospital. None died. I stopped taking that bus.

The steepest parts of the mountain are paved. Just fyi, horses are more common travelers than cars on the mountain roads

Now, I've ridden on top of MANY other trucks and moving vehicles since being here, usually out of necessity, because it's too packed to get on the vehicle otherwise (and the bus workers always tell you there is room). So, I was kind of already a pro at riding on top.

The bus stops at someone's farm to load up stuff, and I get on top. This is where the magic begins. When the bus starts going, I immediately feel a power that I can only imagine is what a god would feel. It was like having wings and flying through a mountain, like I was dreaming, it was like...

Well, it was like standing up on top of a moving bus on a mountainous, non-paved, pot-holed, shitty road, which is exactly what was happening. Now, it's not like I was standing straight up (that would be dumb), so I was wisely crouched in an athletic position.

There were branches immediately above the level of the bus, appearing about every 50 yards. It was awesome. It became a playful game of my survival.

Or... the branches were apparently closer than ever 50 meters. But who's counting

I would be standing up, and with about 10 yards to go, I would fall flat down, and the branches would wiz over head. It was exhilarating. My mind was racing. All I could think of was how I was going to have my friends over to try this. All of them- I had to show them all this wonder I just discovered.

I'm going to start a revolution in extreme athletics! I am going to call it Bus-Surfing. When my brother comes, we will do it. When my fellow Peace Corps Volunteers come to visit, we will do it. When my friends from 'Murica come to visit, we will do it. When my mom comes to visit, we will ... Just kidding. I'm not stupid, guys.

(Aside: Actually, I've never even told her this story happened, so I hope she enjoys reading this.)

Okay, so Bus-Surfing last for a half hour til we are pulling up to my town. The dirt and rock road becomes "smooth cobblestone" (does anyone else who speaks Spanish know how to say "adoquinado" in English?) and I need to get one more look back at the utter beauty of the mountains surrounding my town before they go out of site.

I look in front of me, make sure there are no branches (we are about approaching the small residential area), and there are none in sight. I'm clear.

So, I turn around keep my feet facing forward, and only turn my torso and my head around so I'm looking back. I'm just totally soaking it in. And then as I am turning my head back around...

BOOOOMMM!

I am smacked SO hard in the face with something, and thrown so fast onto the floor of the roof. I can't imagine others inside the bus weren't concerned when they heard that sound above them.

 I was searing in pain, curled up like a little baby bitch in fetal position, totally trying to capture what had just happened.

I was in so much pain I couldn't move for several minutes.

So, it turned out that apparently, since my town has electricity, there are these things called telephone wires. And those wires are a little bit hard to see ahead in the distance when the sun is setting! You would think those idiots would put a sign up that says "watch out for mischievous telephone wires," or something.

But no, nothing.

The telephone wire had caught me right on my cheekbone, totally off guard, and for those of you who know where your cheek is located, it's right above your neck. Can you imagine what would have happened if that line landed 5 inches below where it did?

Moreover, let me tell about someone you haven't considered yet.

Now, I was directly in the middle of the bus when this happened. When a bus is moving forward at 25 miles per hour, and you are therefore moving at the same speed, when you get stopped, and the bus keeps moving, that means you "fly back." Know what I mean?

Well, luckily for me, these buses move a lot of cargo, so there is about an 8-inch guard rail along the top of the bus. That's is precisely what caught me from falling off the back of the bus.

my hand that hit the guard rail

My town is pretty small, so I knew our bus stop (aka, at our house), would be coming up very soon. So sure enough, as I try to get down from the bus, I become very lightheaded. I've felt this feeling before. I am going to pass out.

I don't know how I did it, but I got down. I pretend like nothing happened, apart from the blood that was running down my hand. I proceed to get down on my hands and knees (because I thought that would help me feel better?). Then I pretend to tie my shoes. Then I was ready to walk in.

I would like to tell you I had the balls to get back up there and try it again, because hell, I'm no quitter. But, you know, sometimes you've gotta make a wise decision, and decide not to stand on top of a moving bus again after you've been drinking, and try to dodge approaching objects that could potentially kill you.

a pic of me walking back on that road with some friends one day

Top 7 lessons learned in first 7 months in peace corps

The content of this website/blog are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the United States government or the Peace Corps.

I'm 7 months into my 27 month service! woohoo! That means Im over 1/4 done, and that means I want to share with you what has been challenging me to be a better man every day.

7. The importance of focusing in on what you want to accomplish. In each one of my schools, there is 1 torn up and ratty textbook for each classroom (my schools consist of about 15 students each, with students from 1st to 6th grade in ONE classroom, with ONE teacher to teach em all at the same time). You can imagine how many things I would want to do to improve that situation. If I tried to do everything, I'd never get anything done. One thing at a time. . 

 These may or may not be pictures of my cute little students.
Tell me they are not worth it. 

6. Decisions. Decisiveness is one of the most important abilities. You hurt other people with your indecisiveness. You get less done, you are unorganized, and makes you look like you can't even control yourself, let alone lead others. 

How to decide what project to get involved in? What career to choose? Do a Priorities Matrix. Look it up.

That's me grabbing life by the horns. It's a metaphor... but that really happened.

"Tom, wanna do a backflip into the water?"

One second later: "Yes, definitely"

Is this a smart decision? Maybe. Have I ever done it before? Yea. Did I get hurt? Not really. Will it produce a better story than not doing it? Yes. Let'd so it.

.

5. Have joy through pain. It is possible. And it's bullshit if anyone tells you otherwise. The first 5 months of this experience were so mentally challenging. It was painful. But then I found how to have joy through it. Wanna know how? It's as simple as making a decision to (and my "simple," I don't mean the act itself is easy, but the answer that I just gave you is). A daily, hourly, and sometimes minute-by-minute decision is what it takes, but no matter what, make the decision to be joyful.

Me trying to act all tough during training. I had to go to the hospital and I missed the day we were given our official assignments, so my boss came to visit me to personally give it to me. It's just an example of finding joy thru whatever happens. I was happy as could be

4. When you take a big leap, you are usually largely rewarded. For me, often times this meant just leaving my house and walking around in the community. Sounds tough, huh? Well, it was. You wouldn't understand unless you have been a Peace Corps Volunteer yourself. Your only safe haven is your room. Outside was the constant struggle of language, uncertainty, embarrassment, and extreme mental effort of all that (For the record, I now soak it all in). The reward of making that effort of making the big leap? Meeting people, making friends, having once in a lifetime "happen chance" meetups.

I met one of my friend here when I first moved to town. I forced myself to leave the house. I saw two people struggling to carry an almost 50 pound sack of beans. I offered to help. They invited me in when I got to their house, turns out shes a teacher in a rural school too, and now we are good friends, closer than I ever would have been if not putting myself out there. Heres us holding on for dear life in the back of a truck coming home from school.

3. My value. My value has not ever, nor ever will be, determined by others. It's shameful that for 25 years of my life I have let me life be run that way. I've found extraordinary success in aspects of my life important to me (sports, friends, schools, but what is the value if its for them and not for me?) Being critiqued every day at the beginning of this experience (linguistically) made me feel like a failure, because in my mind, everyone was seeing my failures every day. But then I realize that my most recent success or failure has nothing to do with me being a success or a failure in that moment.  My value is who I know I am.

If you cant make it out, that's me giving you the ol Uncle Sam power point - telling you to be who you are, give it your all, and be content with what happens. Don't let other people's perceptions of what you do affect you. Let them judge and judge - you keep on moving forward

2. Appreciating correction. Only the fool doesn't appreciate correction. Appreciating correction makes a person wise. Correction is a sign of progress. Appreciating correction is a sign of maturity.The next 15 seconds changed my life; it changed how I learn:

                                                              WATCH 5:37-5:52 of this vid:

Watch 5:37-5:52 of this vid

1. The greatest character you will ever learn (aka, the most growing up) is when other people make fun of you when you mess up(aka when you are learning and getting better). I am convinced. Absolutely convinced. Want to read what is in my opinion the most masterfully written piece of advice ever given for those struggling? (Thanks for sharing this with me the day I arrived here, Josh)

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

As an aside: My strength is only thru Christ. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a shitty job; other times I'm the fucking man. That's life, right? But seriously, at the end of the day most times, after pushing myself day in and day out, Im exhausted, and I realize I can't do it on my own. I'm like an arid desert; I'm cracked and dried, and thirsty to be filled and nurtured and satisfied. I allow God to fill those inadequacies and weaknesses and to take care of me. He has never let me down. He never will.

Whats hardest in life is most worth it

The content of this website/blog are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the United States government or the Peace Corps.

As of today, it has been one week in my site. Almost every minute of every day I make the conscious decision to put myself out there and meet people. I have found that its about a thousand times more difficult to do so (mentally) when its in a different language. I feel like for the first time I might understand the anxiousness and stress that introverts get when they are in a big party where they don’t know anyone and they are constantly forced to meet new people.

Normally, I love this kind of stuff, but here, the only “safe spot” is my room, where I don’t have to talk to everyone. Its so odd being an extrovert, and needing to tell myself every day (multiple multiple times a day), that I can do it – go out, put my mind through a mental shit-show, and do it with a smile on my face haha. There are so many times where I just need to look at my situation and be like.. this is hilarious. I choose to laugh things off when its awkward or whatever, instead of take things too seriously and get upset, which is my natural inclination when in a new environment, stressed, and not knowing where to make friends. And not only do it, but have a good attitude! It would be so so so easy to bunk myself up in my room and not come out much, but that’s way too easy. The easy road is almost never the road that you should take, Ive found. In the woods, the paths diverged. And I took the road less traveled. And it hurt man, but Im convinced that in the end, its worth it.

I struggle (and win the struggle) almost every day to force myself to go out and talk to new people. And its more than just trying to find my place and find friends in a new place(which is hard enough), but I have to go to work every day – to interact with the teachers here (im a grade school science teacher), and community professionals (my other job here as a project facilitator); these are people in the mayors office, the police station, owners of stores, etc.  

I find that if I read something inspiring each day, I find I have more inspiration to give it my all every day and take advantage of the day. I lose a lot of my inhibition! (when I was talking with my girlfriend, I accidentally said that I need to lose my AMBITION, which is not the same thing. Whoops.) Need not lose my ambition. 

Saturday when I got here last week was a really tough, emotional day. Saying bye to everyone. It just sucked.

I got here in the afternoon of a Saturday, and just spent some time with my family. Sunday I slept in, and just prepared all day for how to say what I want to say to people if they ask me about what Im doing here. It sounds silly, but I need to practice a lot the answers to an apparently simple question (what are you doing here?). So I practice. A lot.

I was freaking out Sunday. Being in a new place, separated from all my friends, and knowing I will be immersed in Spanish and struggle through it the whole time. I had to call a bunch of people in my group, and ask them how they were doing, and how they ever planned on accomplishing all the goals the peace corps has for us within the first 2 months. Time is ticking. But some friends calmed me, so that was nice.

Sunday I called the med office because I hurt my finger playing basketball a few weeks ago and its never gotten any better. To add insult to injury, its my pinky. The med office told me to come to Managua the next day so I did, and that was a nice mental break that I needed, it was quite an English-filled day. Turns out there was no break. I spent the night in Managua bc I would have pretty much missed the last bus back, and I wanted to stay in Managua. I took the bus that left in the afternoon to come back to Managua, the direct bus that leaves at like 1230ish. I got in around 330 to san jose de los remates. 

I have this terrible habit of putting things off in my professional life. I always have this hesitation to call people to schedule meetings, so discuss things that need to be discussed, to do whatever. It is amplified when I have to do it in Spanish. So calling my counterparts, who are two directors, who each direct  13 schools, is a little stressful. Their job is to choose schools for me to work in, so I am going to be working in 3 rural schools. They also introduce my to important people in the community (mayors office people), to help me integrate. 

Other than that, its up to me to just walk around and get to know people in the community. So Wednesday afternoon after having a meeting in the morning with the director to plan the weeks schedule, I just walked around the community, passed by little shops, and met the owners. I have a sheet that I take down names in, because I have this terrible problem with memory. I seriously need to study so much to remember something simple. That kind of makes learning a language difficult. But each time I think about how much I struggle, I think about how in the Bible, God sent Moses to talk to Pharoah, and Moses said “by why send me, I have a problem with speech?” (apparently, he had some speech impediment, or disability), to which the Lord replied, who gave you your mouth, your ability to speak? In my case, I say “God, how am I supposed to make a difference here when I cant even speak the language, and am slow to learn?” And I feel like God says “Who are you to question me? Who tells your heart to beat, your legs to walk, who led you to Nicaragua, gives you love for what you do, and your passion in your life?” And then, I feel empowered. Me siento poderoso. 

Thursday I went and to observe classes in one of my schools (I will be observing/aiding my teachers ill be working with, for the next month), and the kids were so excited to see me. When we had our site visits 3 weeks ago, we introduced ourselves to the kids. The teacher told me that they kept asking her when Tom was going to return. When they had recess, they asked me to play in their games, so I did, and it was a pretty amazing time. Same thing when they had gym class. We played a lot, and I felt a lot more close to them after that. I feel like they know me more, and we broke down that barrier that always exists when you first meet someone.  I walked back from the rural area(about a half hour walk) with my director, and then ate lunch, and kept studying more Spanish, walking around more in the afternoon to get to meet more people. 

I met this guy on the bus one day whos been really inspiring. He is actually a Nicaraguan, but lived in America his whole life. He came here a year and a half ago with no Spanish, but has family that lives in my city. He is fluent now, which is cool. What is extra cool is that he took no classes, he just immersed himself. Wanna know what was even cooler? He had no fear. He just went in. He embraced it, he loved it. He almost didn’t even get it when I was like “yeah, im embarrassed to go talk to people sometimes. Its difficult” He was like… oh, yeah, I just just went in and did it. That was awesome. I realized that to learn a language best, you just need two things – no fear, and a good attitude. So simple, right?

Ive been meaning to go to the mayors office to ask them if they want to go together on a project, but I keep having that fear/embarrassment factor hold me back. Its really hard.

Theres other projects I have to get started. And for some reason I love to put them off, it makes me feel better momentarily than actually starting them. How terrible is that? Ill keep putting one foot in front of the other though. 

Speaking of other things Ive been putting off, I also have to address the payment situation with my host mom. Peace Corps negotiates the frist 2 months of rent, which is, oddly enough, higher than the amount they allot for us each month. So I need to tell them they I will have to change something after the first 2 months. I may have to move, I may not. But that is yet to be determined. 

Ive been going to the gym with that American/nicaraguan dude here (at the gym, they molded cement blocks for their weights, its awesome, everything is improvised there), and I paid my monthly gym membership of 4 dollars. 

I have found that when I have put myself out there, and gone out of the house to go meet people, Ive been rewarded. Friday for example, after going to a big meeting with a lot of teachers in the community, I was just randomly walking the streets, and saw these two women carrying this really heavy sack. So I asked them if they needed help, they said no, and I kept walking, and I saw them struggling, so I turned around and asked them if they were sure and they said yes, come help. I carry the sack (50 lb of beans), to their house, they invite me to have a fresco (fresh orange juice), I say yes, and we sit down and all talk, and 3 hours later I leave and it was a blast. Turns out one of them is a teacher in one of the rural schools, too!

Anyway.. small steps. It’s a long process. But I really try to celebrate every single convo, every single time I put myself out there, every single day is a success.

Heres from my speech last week at swearing in, and a link of the youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myQPD4xANUw 

My experience in 28 photos

The content of this website/blog are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the United States government or the Peace Corps.

my team lost in a best of 7 series 4-1. we played well, but lost 3 close games, 11-10, 6-5, and 6-4, and we won our only game in the series off of a walk off home run

 

with the lil bro of one of my fellow volunteers

with my students in my 6th grade class

on a hike w us 4 in my town and the brother and friend of one of my classmates

ruben and i being totally normal

i think this was our first full day in nica

"Nicaragia: the joy of living in peace!"

making a huerto (veggie garden) with my students

we all tried to do backflips in the pool. at least this time when i landed bad, it wasnt like the ground felt when i had tried it on land (thanks nithin for always saving me tho)

my lil sis is on a dance team that performs at community events. most events are held at our cancha (sports complex)

spending time w my fav fam!

me with geri - the most cheerful girl in the world

us supporting Nubia in her schools equivalent of the queen of the school

my basketball team playing in the semi final of my pueblos tournament

us having a sleepover for claires last night!

obvi the best bro and sis evs

working with my students at the school. what a beautiful site that we did it together!

kickin it w some of my 6th graders

I want YOU to join me in the Peace Corps!

a beautiful hike

riding in a moto taxi

prepping for garden work at our school