Whats hardest in life is most worth it

The content of this website/blog are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the United States government or the Peace Corps.

As of today, it has been one week in my site. Almost every minute of every day I make the conscious decision to put myself out there and meet people. I have found that its about a thousand times more difficult to do so (mentally) when its in a different language. I feel like for the first time I might understand the anxiousness and stress that introverts get when they are in a big party where they don’t know anyone and they are constantly forced to meet new people.

Normally, I love this kind of stuff, but here, the only “safe spot” is my room, where I don’t have to talk to everyone. Its so odd being an extrovert, and needing to tell myself every day (multiple multiple times a day), that I can do it – go out, put my mind through a mental shit-show, and do it with a smile on my face haha. There are so many times where I just need to look at my situation and be like.. this is hilarious. I choose to laugh things off when its awkward or whatever, instead of take things too seriously and get upset, which is my natural inclination when in a new environment, stressed, and not knowing where to make friends. And not only do it, but have a good attitude! It would be so so so easy to bunk myself up in my room and not come out much, but that’s way too easy. The easy road is almost never the road that you should take, Ive found. In the woods, the paths diverged. And I took the road less traveled. And it hurt man, but Im convinced that in the end, its worth it.

I struggle (and win the struggle) almost every day to force myself to go out and talk to new people. And its more than just trying to find my place and find friends in a new place(which is hard enough), but I have to go to work every day – to interact with the teachers here (im a grade school science teacher), and community professionals (my other job here as a project facilitator); these are people in the mayors office, the police station, owners of stores, etc.  

I find that if I read something inspiring each day, I find I have more inspiration to give it my all every day and take advantage of the day. I lose a lot of my inhibition! (when I was talking with my girlfriend, I accidentally said that I need to lose my AMBITION, which is not the same thing. Whoops.) Need not lose my ambition. 

Saturday when I got here last week was a really tough, emotional day. Saying bye to everyone. It just sucked.

I got here in the afternoon of a Saturday, and just spent some time with my family. Sunday I slept in, and just prepared all day for how to say what I want to say to people if they ask me about what Im doing here. It sounds silly, but I need to practice a lot the answers to an apparently simple question (what are you doing here?). So I practice. A lot.

I was freaking out Sunday. Being in a new place, separated from all my friends, and knowing I will be immersed in Spanish and struggle through it the whole time. I had to call a bunch of people in my group, and ask them how they were doing, and how they ever planned on accomplishing all the goals the peace corps has for us within the first 2 months. Time is ticking. But some friends calmed me, so that was nice.

Sunday I called the med office because I hurt my finger playing basketball a few weeks ago and its never gotten any better. To add insult to injury, its my pinky. The med office told me to come to Managua the next day so I did, and that was a nice mental break that I needed, it was quite an English-filled day. Turns out there was no break. I spent the night in Managua bc I would have pretty much missed the last bus back, and I wanted to stay in Managua. I took the bus that left in the afternoon to come back to Managua, the direct bus that leaves at like 1230ish. I got in around 330 to san jose de los remates. 

I have this terrible habit of putting things off in my professional life. I always have this hesitation to call people to schedule meetings, so discuss things that need to be discussed, to do whatever. It is amplified when I have to do it in Spanish. So calling my counterparts, who are two directors, who each direct  13 schools, is a little stressful. Their job is to choose schools for me to work in, so I am going to be working in 3 rural schools. They also introduce my to important people in the community (mayors office people), to help me integrate. 

Other than that, its up to me to just walk around and get to know people in the community. So Wednesday afternoon after having a meeting in the morning with the director to plan the weeks schedule, I just walked around the community, passed by little shops, and met the owners. I have a sheet that I take down names in, because I have this terrible problem with memory. I seriously need to study so much to remember something simple. That kind of makes learning a language difficult. But each time I think about how much I struggle, I think about how in the Bible, God sent Moses to talk to Pharoah, and Moses said “by why send me, I have a problem with speech?” (apparently, he had some speech impediment, or disability), to which the Lord replied, who gave you your mouth, your ability to speak? In my case, I say “God, how am I supposed to make a difference here when I cant even speak the language, and am slow to learn?” And I feel like God says “Who are you to question me? Who tells your heart to beat, your legs to walk, who led you to Nicaragua, gives you love for what you do, and your passion in your life?” And then, I feel empowered. Me siento poderoso. 

Thursday I went and to observe classes in one of my schools (I will be observing/aiding my teachers ill be working with, for the next month), and the kids were so excited to see me. When we had our site visits 3 weeks ago, we introduced ourselves to the kids. The teacher told me that they kept asking her when Tom was going to return. When they had recess, they asked me to play in their games, so I did, and it was a pretty amazing time. Same thing when they had gym class. We played a lot, and I felt a lot more close to them after that. I feel like they know me more, and we broke down that barrier that always exists when you first meet someone.  I walked back from the rural area(about a half hour walk) with my director, and then ate lunch, and kept studying more Spanish, walking around more in the afternoon to get to meet more people. 

I met this guy on the bus one day whos been really inspiring. He is actually a Nicaraguan, but lived in America his whole life. He came here a year and a half ago with no Spanish, but has family that lives in my city. He is fluent now, which is cool. What is extra cool is that he took no classes, he just immersed himself. Wanna know what was even cooler? He had no fear. He just went in. He embraced it, he loved it. He almost didn’t even get it when I was like “yeah, im embarrassed to go talk to people sometimes. Its difficult” He was like… oh, yeah, I just just went in and did it. That was awesome. I realized that to learn a language best, you just need two things – no fear, and a good attitude. So simple, right?

Ive been meaning to go to the mayors office to ask them if they want to go together on a project, but I keep having that fear/embarrassment factor hold me back. Its really hard.

Theres other projects I have to get started. And for some reason I love to put them off, it makes me feel better momentarily than actually starting them. How terrible is that? Ill keep putting one foot in front of the other though. 

Speaking of other things Ive been putting off, I also have to address the payment situation with my host mom. Peace Corps negotiates the frist 2 months of rent, which is, oddly enough, higher than the amount they allot for us each month. So I need to tell them they I will have to change something after the first 2 months. I may have to move, I may not. But that is yet to be determined. 

Ive been going to the gym with that American/nicaraguan dude here (at the gym, they molded cement blocks for their weights, its awesome, everything is improvised there), and I paid my monthly gym membership of 4 dollars. 

I have found that when I have put myself out there, and gone out of the house to go meet people, Ive been rewarded. Friday for example, after going to a big meeting with a lot of teachers in the community, I was just randomly walking the streets, and saw these two women carrying this really heavy sack. So I asked them if they needed help, they said no, and I kept walking, and I saw them struggling, so I turned around and asked them if they were sure and they said yes, come help. I carry the sack (50 lb of beans), to their house, they invite me to have a fresco (fresh orange juice), I say yes, and we sit down and all talk, and 3 hours later I leave and it was a blast. Turns out one of them is a teacher in one of the rural schools, too!

Anyway.. small steps. It’s a long process. But I really try to celebrate every single convo, every single time I put myself out there, every single day is a success.

Heres from my speech last week at swearing in, and a link of the youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myQPD4xANUw